Mental Health Awareness Month: My Story

I think this is really the first time I'm writing about this. A lot of people don't know this about me but I am hoping this helps someone that may be going through the same thing and just afraid to open up or talk to someone about it.

Most people that know me would say that I am the life of the party, funny, outgoing and just always in a good mood. There are times I am not feeling that way and times where I am putting on a front like I'm happy when inside, I'm really not. I am kind of used to putting on a facade like everything is fine. I'm not feeling it and just don't want to be around others. There are times I just want to be to myself and not want to do anything. It took a while for me to be 100% happy with myself and my life. 

It started for me in elementary school. I was in this "la-la land" like everyone was nice and got along. I never understood why I was picked on and people didn't like me. It was a concept that I was never able to grasp. I was a really sensitive person and tended to show my emotions too much. Whenever someone said something mean or hurtful to me, I would cry and people laughed and teased me about that. I just couldn't tough it out and not let that happen. I started to become really sad and just thought that no one liked me because I was emotional. I just wanted to be accepted by my classmates and it just hurt so much. 

I honestly wanted to be like the typical "popular" girls in school. You know the ones that no one ever messed with, talked about, all the boys liked them and so on. Yea, I thought I could be one of them but because I was I guess different than everyone else, I couldn't be one of them. I just couldn't grasp why I could not be accepted by others for the way I was and it really got to me. I just was not 100% happy with myself. I wanted to be something that I wasn't so I could "fit it" but I knew that wouldn't work either. I just kind of kept to myself.

It took for one day when I was in junior high to get enough balls to not cry in front of people. I was so tired of being teased and talked about so much. It only got worse when I got to junior high. I was really made fun of because I didn't wear my hair like everyone else, I dressed different and didn't have the latest name brand fashion. I was really sad then and just wanted people to leave me alone and just accept me for what is on the inside. I still couldn't understand why people were so worried about how my hair was or what I wore, they were not my parents and I was not there to please them, I was there for an education. One day I was in class and someone said something mean to me and it got silent. I heard someone say "Watch, she's going to cry now". It took just about everything in me to hold those tears back and not show that I was upset. I surprised everyone that day and they kinda left me alone after that but I was still scarred by this. It followed me.

I became extremely insecure with myself and self doubted myself all the time. I always thought I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough and so on. I was always worried about what someone thought of me, why someone was always talking about me, never could control my emotions, I was just a mess. On top of that, I was never happy with myself, never like myself and wanted to change how I was. It took me years to accept how I was and love myself for who I was. Everyone is made different for a reason, the world would be boring if everyone was the same.

I stopped being the "crybaby" by the time I got to high school but it was on to spreading rumors and talking about me still. I still couldn't understand why and at this point, I just started to act like I didn't care but I really did. I was tired of wearing my emotions on my sleeve, I was tired of feeling so down on myself and not being happy. I was just tired of it. There were times I actually stood up for myself and started to realize there were people who actually accepted me for who I was and still friends with some of them.

No one deserves to be teased or bullied, ever. People really don't think about how you make the other person feel or how you are affecting their mental health. I spent years wondering if I would be accepted by others, wondered why people didn't like me and spent a lot of time not happy with myself. I felt so sad and depressed most of the time but your never knew I was feeling that way. I spent a lot of time trying to be something I wasn't due to fear of not being accepted by others or fear of not having any friends. I don't wish this on anyone, it is not something you recover from easily.

Now being 34 years old, I can actually say I am 100% happy with who I am today and who I am growing into. It took so many years to get to this point but I am happy I did. There are some times where I can get a little down and I kinda wished I opened up about this and could talk to someone maybe professionally about how I was feeling but I got through this myself. I get really emotional when I read those stories of these young kids taking their lives and as young at 9 years old due to bullying. It breaks my heart that kids today are still doing this and it hurts people to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I honestly cry and praying for those families effected by this. I was never at that point where I wanted to end my life but I wanted to get away and go somewhere new where no one knew who I was and I could be accepted for who I was 100%.

Hopefully this helps someone who may be struggling with any type of mental illness and is afraid to come forward and say something or afraid to get help.  Please if someone comes to you asking for help or needs to talk, don't brush them off or tell them its nothing or that they will be fine, just listen and help them. See you guys Thursday!